After the Fact
Afterward, there's an emptiness. A void stretches so wide, you might fall into it. The coldness swallows you until you're numb, and you think it's better that way, because at least you can't feel the pain anymore.
Your jaw starts to hurt from all the fake smiles. Every time someone asks, "How are you?" you feel a flutter of panic. They know, you think as you answer, "I'm good, what about you?" But then they reply normally and the panic passes. This goes on, and it gets easier each time.
Eventually, that date forever etched into your mind loses its power over you. It's just a date, you think. Just a date, just an appointment, just a medical procedure, just a clump of tissue. Women do this all the time. It's normal. For some women, it's the best decision they ever made. Why can't you get past it? What's wrong with you?
Perhaps you can't find the answer because you're asking the wrong question. There is a reason you can't get past this, and there is nothing wrong with you. The better question may be: What's wrong with them?
We live in a broken world. As a consequence, we don't know how to properly compartmentalize our feelings. We react dramatically to small things, and we fail to react to large things. An abortion is no small thing. Feelings such as regret, guilt, sadness, anger, and depression are completely normal. Many women try to disguise their negative feelings because our culture says that those negative feelings are wrong, when, in fact, those feelings are a sign of an emotionally healthy person.
Since our world thinks there is nothing wrong with getting an abortion, it can be difficult for women to find appropriate resources after the fact. Rachel's Vineyard is a great resource for women struggling with the guilt and depression post-abortion. There are many other healing retreats that are specifically designed for post-abortive women. These supply the emotional and spiritual support for suffering women.
If you are struggling with the pain of an abortion, you are not alone. There are resources out there which can help lead you toward the forgiveness that you seek. The suffering of an abortion is something that only God can heal, and He is waiting for you--you only have to ask.